


ready for the kill

by queervengers (nonsexualandsilly)



Series: nineteen [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Drunk Derek, Drunk Stiles, M/M, Texting, companion to nineteen, you should read that first
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 19:10:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/956642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonsexualandsilly/pseuds/queervengers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The guy Derek is talking to is apparently named Stiles, and his prank ideas would make Laura punch Derek in the face. Though, to be fair, she does that a lot anyway, but still. Derek’s mom taught him to respect his alpha. Even if his current alpha is an asshole who leaves empty milk containers in the fridge and lives an ALL CAPS kind of life. Even if she reprograms his speed dial.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ready for the kill

**Author's Note:**

> i just really wanted more of this laura in my life
> 
> so this is going to be nineteen, from derek's perspective.
> 
> aka, my tribute to laura hale
> 
> title is from 25 by the mountain goats, because derek is 25 at the start of this fic, and the mountain goats are my favourite ever.

Derek bangs on his sister’s bedroom door. “Laura, did you use the last of the milk _again_?” She doesn’t respond, so he throws the door open, and nope, she’s not there, so he opens a new text message.

_Your room is a mess. Also, did you finish off the milk?_

_I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT,_ she replies, so he hits her speed dial. He’s internally practicing his _we live together, and if you kill it, you fill it_ speech, so it takes him a second to process the voice answering. Because it’s definitely not Laura’s voice.

“Hey baby. What can I do for you?” the guy on the other end practically _purrs_.

“Um, hello?”

“First time? Don’t worry, I can always take the lead.”

“I take it this isn’t Laura’s number.” Derek glances at his phone’s screen, and yep. She’s _so_ dead.

The guy Derek is talking to is apparently named Stiles, and his prank ideas would make Laura punch Derek in the face. Though, to be fair, she does that a lot anyway, but still. Derek’s mom taught him to respect his alpha. Even if his current alpha is an asshole who leaves empty milk containers in the fridge and lives an ALL CAPS kind of life. Even if she reprograms his speed dial.

When he goes out to buy milk, he stocks up on saran wrap too. Just in case.

 

“ _Derek_.” Laura comes storming out the bathroom, pants still unbuttoned and unzipped. “I swear to fucking _god_ , you’re so dead.”

“Hmm?” He looks up from his book and tries to look as innocent as possible. It doesn’t work.

“You, me, outside, now.”

He rolls his eyes and follows her into the backyard. It’s dark out, so they’re safe from neighbors watching as Laura proceeds to, as predicted, kick his ass while they spar.

Fucking alphas.

 

It’s not Derek’s best idea ever, but he goes into his recent calls and dials the 1-900 number. He’s about to back out and hang up when someone answers and asks what he’s looking for. “Is there any way you can connect me to Stiles?” Derek’s weirdly nervous, but the guy connects him.

“Hey there, what can – ”

“I did it,” Derek blurts out.

“Excuse me?”

“The saran wrap on the toilet.”

“ _Derek_?” And he’s not sure if he’s imagining it, but it seems like there’s an added note of excitement in Stiles’s voice. But it’s enough to keep him talking for a _while_. There’s a slightly flirtatious edge to most of what Stiles says, but hey. The guy talks dirty for a living; it makes sense.

Derek’s in the middle of making a clever technology innuendo when he hears Laura’s key in the lock.

“Shit, Laura just got home.”

When Stiles tells Derek to put glitter on her bedroom fan, he tells himself he won’t.

He does it anyway.

 

Derek turns around in his desk chair to see Laura standing in his doorway. The dramatic effect of her silent appearance – to the point where Derek couldn’t hear her at all – is completely ruined by the glitter coating her entire outfit. He snorts, and she throws her hands in the air dramatically.

“Oh, yeah, go ahead and laugh. This is _hilarious_ , Derek. Herpes of the art world, all over my favourite dress. I’m going to kick your ass _so_ hard.

He smirks, waiting for her to follow through on that, but no. She does way worse.

“Derek,” she growls, _I’M YOUR ALPHA_ voice in full effect. “Do my fucking laundry.” She pulls off her dress and throws it at his head before walking out of the room in just her underwear. It gets glitter _everywhere_ , all over Derek’s stuff. He takes a deep breath and considers calling Stiles again, but when he tries, he’s told Stiles has the day off.

 

He’s trying to focus on his workout when he hears Laura get back. “…phone sex he’s not even having,” she’s saying. Derek freezes, because this probably means she’s hunted down Stiles and is going to kill him. “Goodbye!”

She collapses on the couch and kicks off her shoes. One of them hits Derek. He growls and throws it back at her, but she just catches it and laughs. “So I got you your boyfriend’s number,” she tells him. “Because I’m an awesome sister. And therefore you’re going to stop pranking me. We clear?”

Derek rolls his eyes. “Just give me his number.”

Laura folds a small piece of paper into an airplane and throws it at him. It misses, so Derek picks it up off the ground and unfolds it to reveal a California-based number, from somewhere around where he used to live. He ponders that for a sec, then starts to compose a text.

Apparently he’s taking too long, though, because Laura steals his phone out of his hands and sends something before tossing it back at him.

“You think he’s ‘good for me’? Also, congrats on the lack of caps. Very convincingly me.”

“Caps lock is cruise control for cool, Derek.”

Derek’s phone buzzes, and he glances down at it. _dude your sister is cray_

He couldn’t agree more.

 

_OH REMINDER THAT YOU HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW IN TWENTY MINUTES_.

_What? I’m pretty sure I don’t, actually._ He knows he doesn’t. The job hunt’s been going slowly lately, because half of a degree means nothing in this world. Insurance from the fire pays their rent, Laura’s job pays for her car, and Derek landed his bike through one of their neighbors. His days get boring, sure, but at least they’re not starving on the streets. He’s even considering getting the second half of his degree.

_UH HELL YEAH YOU DO BECAUSE I’M THE BEST SISTER/ALPHA EVER._

She texts him an address, and he goes.

 

Bartending wasn’t exactly on his list of potential careers, but the owner of the bar takes one long look at him, head to toe, and declares that he’s hired.

It’s not much, but it’s something, and he gets to brag about it at Stiles, right up until he falls asleep.

 

The next night, Stiles’s texts start becoming less and less coherent right when Derek gets off work. It’s around one in the morning – ten PM, for California.

_hey baby hey baby heyyyy_

_Hey?_

_there is nothing in this world i love more than tequila_

Followed by _scratch that, there are a lot of things i love more than tequila_

_OH MAN OH MAN how much do you want to bet i can get danny mahealani to make out with me_

_Stiles, you’re drunk._

_damn right i am. also danny said no :C :C :C :C i'm fucking hearstbriken_

_Was that supposed to say heartbroken?_

_you bet your pretty little ass it was_

Derek gives up on responding somewhere around there, instead choosing to go to bed. When he wakes up to go for a run at seven the next morning, though, there are more:

_tewqila is wierd_

_*tequla_

_tequila fuck_

_lettrs are weird toooo_

_dfkasdlfjl like why isnt that a word_

_man you suuuuuck why ar you aselep_

_spekaing of sucking i bet yuo have a gr9 dick_

_(thats like gr8 but more)_

_man i bet that’s creep y if me to say_

_but like_

_THATS OAKY_

_BABY I AM A FIRWORK AND MY COLERS BURST_

_IS IT WERID THAT im wEARING SOMONE ELSES SHOES_

_IS IT WEIRDD THAT SCIENCE MAN I FUCKING LOVE SCEINCE_

_SO MANY THIGNS ARE WEIRD_

_LIK_

_*LIKE_

_IS IT WEIRD THAT I WANT TO HAVE ALL KIDNS OF SEX WITH YUO EVEN THOUGH IVE NEVER EVEN SENE YOU I GUESS IM ATRACTED TO YOUR BRAIN. UGH THOUGH I BET YOURE SO HOT. HOW BIG IS YUOR DICK?_

And the messages _just keep going_.

Derek’s going to tease him for this _forever._

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not overly committed to updating past the point of laura dying, and this is unbeta'd, but i felt like having a little fun and figured i'd share!
> 
> and i'm me, so i'll EVENTUALLY probably make this follow nineteen up until the point where they'd be too similar to be interesting.
> 
> also, re: stiles's drunk texts - i felt like being ridiculous. so the one that's in both fics with different levels of drunk spelling? just roll with it. this fic is for fun.


End file.
